Bad Valentines Decorations, Worst Valentines Plans, and Anti Valentines Day Gift Ideas

Let’s just get this out of the way and say that there are wrong ways to celebrate Valentines Day. Everything you are about to see is a wrong way, unless you’re throwing a spoof Anti Valentines Day party. Consider yourself warned. (If you’re looking for serious Valentines day gift ideas for him or for her, you’ll need to go to these other pages.)

First, don’t do anything permanent to yourself. Valentines Day should never be more than one day a year. This means His and Hers tattoos top the list of worst Valentines Day gift ideas. You wouldn’t want “Mom” inked on your body, so don’t add your latest sweetheart, especially by name. That’s risky and  embarrassing for everyone.

Valentines Day Mom Tattoo

Valentines Day is a day. A tattoo is forever. Ish.

No, a heart symbol tattoo without a name attached is not okay. And, no, shaving it anywhere on your body is not a good alternative.

Valentines Day Hair Loss

As much as the back hair creeps me out, this is another NO!

“Aha! ” someone must have thought. If I can’t tattoo hearts on every inch of me to prove my love, I’ll get tattoos for all my belongings. Starting with the most intimate.

Valentines Day Toilet Tattoo

How is this at all appealing? No tattoos here, either!

No, the toilet isn’t the best way to express romance? Well, what about the toilet paper?

Valentines Day Gag gift

There's a reason this didn't make the Hallmark card.

Witty doesn’t make it right. And these Valentines Day decorations won’t be making it anywhere near my holiday. They have a one-day shelf life as an absolute max, and that’s not the kind of impression I want people to have of my house. Speaking of which…

Love Door mat

Welcome to the lovey lovey love house! All year.

This might make me a Valentines Day scrooge, but I just can’t get behind personalized heart door mats. Or personalized heart anything. Love is wonderful, and I hope everyone finds it, but this isn’t how you show it. This is how you deter the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Public Valentines Day displays in general make me nervous, though apparently at least one airport in Japan disagrees.

Changi Airport flowers

Who was it that said go big or go home?

Intense, right? There was an even gaudier heart display next to it that shouldn’t have made it through security, either. And I mean, they can’t possibly store it in the airport, can they? They’d have to get rid of a whole gate area.

The storage rule goes for smaller useless things, too. Like these Valentines Day heart ornaments, that are supposed to go…where, exactly? Somewhere that you want to be smothered in kisses and hugs, or teach people to disobey orders, apparently.

Valentines Day Ornaments

Please tell me you don't have a Valentines Day tree. Pleeease.

Add to the list of Valentines Day decorations that aren’t worth storing: creepy ones decorations that would keep everyone up screaming “Monster! Monster in the house!” I know people default to cute, cuddly Valentines Day gift ideas, but I don’t find these cute or cuddly.

Valentines Day Monster Wreath

It's like an angry Cookie Monster with an open mouth.

This one might appeal to some kids, but I am not one of them! Not one of them at all.

Valentines Day Pillow

I wouldn't be able to sleep with this in the house

Taking bad Valentines Day plans to another level: things that could get you arrested. Graffiti is the perfect example of why Valentines day celebrations shouldn’t be public.
Valentines Day Graffiti

Not a good plan even in a Romance language.

And, finally, skip the cupid business. Don’t try to fly, don’t walk around in a diaper if you’re potty trained, don’t keep pictures of naked kids around the house, and don’t use sharp pointy things as Valentines Day decorations unless you have a good health care plan. Any of these is enough to convert us all to Anti Valentines Day. Seriously, have you seen anything worse for Valentines Day?

Wounded cupid

Nothing cute about a naked kid with arrow wounds.

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