Let’s just get this out of the way and say that there are wrong ways to celebrate Valentines Day. Everything you are about to see is a wrong way, unless you’re throwing a spoof Anti Valentines Day party. Consider yourself warned. (If you’re looking for serious Valentines day gift ideas for him or for her, you’ll need to go to these other pages.)
First, don’t do anything permanent to yourself. Valentines Day should never be more than one day a year. This means His and Hers tattoos top the list of worst Valentines Day gift ideas. You wouldn’t want “Mom” inked on your body, so don’t add your latest sweetheart, especially by name. That’s risky and embarrassing for everyone.
No, a heart symbol tattoo without a name attached is not okay. And, no, shaving it anywhere on your body is not a good alternative.
“Aha! ” someone must have thought. If I can’t tattoo hearts on every inch of me to prove my love, I’ll get tattoos for all my belongings. Starting with the most intimate.
No, the toilet isn’t the best way to express romance? Well, what about the toilet paper?
Witty doesn’t make it right. And these Valentines Day decorations won’t be making it anywhere near my holiday. They have a one-day shelf life as an absolute max, and that’s not the kind of impression I want people to have of my house. Speaking of which…
This might make me a Valentines Day scrooge, but I just can’t get behind personalized heart door mats. Or personalized heart anything. Love is wonderful, and I hope everyone finds it, but this isn’t how you show it. This is how you deter the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Public Valentines Day displays in general make me nervous, though apparently at least one airport in Japan disagrees.
Intense, right? There was an even gaudier heart display next to it that shouldn’t have made it through security, either. And I mean, they can’t possibly store it in the airport, can they? They’d have to get rid of a whole gate area.
The storage rule goes for smaller useless things, too. Like these Valentines Day heart ornaments, that are supposed to go…where, exactly? Somewhere that you want to be smothered in kisses and hugs, or teach people to disobey orders, apparently.
Add to the list of Valentines Day decorations that aren’t worth storing: creepy ones decorations that would keep everyone up screaming “Monster! Monster in the house!” I know people default to cute, cuddly Valentines Day gift ideas, but I don’t find these cute or cuddly.
This one might appeal to some kids, but I am not one of them! Not one of them at all.
And, finally, skip the cupid business. Don’t try to fly, don’t walk around in a diaper if you’re potty trained, don’t keep pictures of naked kids around the house, and don’t use sharp pointy things as Valentines Day decorations unless you have a good health care plan. Any of these is enough to convert us all to Anti Valentines Day. Seriously, have you seen anything worse for Valentines Day?